God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
