u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
