uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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