Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize