I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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