I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up under a house in Key West
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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