I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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