cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
