last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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