who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think my moral compass just broke
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