I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
