I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
