just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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