Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
