Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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