I cut my penus on the lid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
