I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
