I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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