I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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