What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
