When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sext me about skeletons
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
