had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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