Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
