my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize