Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
