Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
