Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
