I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
