His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize