I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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