The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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