If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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