I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
