How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What drink are we having for lunch?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
