if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
