I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
