Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
