I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
