Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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