i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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