I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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