So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
17 year olds will be the death of me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
