We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
