i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
