I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
