Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
