I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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