So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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