Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
