she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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