you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
