Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
