she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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