I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
