TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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