i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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