She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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