No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
