You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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