Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
